Has Anyone Seen My Unicycle?

What up! Well it's December 19th & I was just reminded by an anonymous source (you know who you are, P.H.) that I haven't posted a new blog in a while. So with that being said, I give you a new post. I'm also in desperate need of caffeine, so I'm having a Starbucks Christmas Blend, should do the trick. Actually the kid in me kinda wants a Capri Sun, but I know when I try & put the g.d. straw in I'll puncture the back side and get juice all over my pants, which is a crisis that needs to be averted. Hey does anyone even drink Kool-Aid anymore? I remember back in the day we used to go through that stuff like water. However my parents kept getting pissed cause each time we'd mix up a batch, that idiot Kool-Aid Man would come barreling through our walls. Ok first of all, does this guy have something against using a door? Granted he probably can't fit through one but seriously...I know he's fat & out of shape but that doesn't give him the right to come busting through the wall, right? And what's with the catch phrase, "Oh Yeah!". So what exactly are you implying Kool-Aid Man, that you're happy to be destroying our property? Sure it was amusing the first few times it happened, "Hey look kids, a giant pitcher of red Kool-Aid just tore up our house, what a character!". After repeated offenses, we knew our Dad had seen enough because he had a contractor come out to the house & assess the damage so he could give Kool-Aid Man an estimate. Dad wastes no time inviting him over, Kool-Aid Man pulls up unsuspectingly in his AMC Pacer with the muffler dragging on the cement, hands him the estimate, Kool-Aid Man just loses it, arms flailing about...ice everywhere...I'm pretty sure I've never heard a pitcher use language like that before. Long story short, they had a huge falling out (almost coming to blows) and Kool-Aid Man left, never to return. From that day forward if we wanted to mix up something to drink, we were only allowed to use "Wylers".

xoxo

Mike Mason

The Bank keeps my money safe

Why are people still writing checks? I think there are two exceptions to this: rent/mortgage & girl scout cookies. So we're in line this past Sunday @ the Wal-Mart (my first mistake) shopping for school supplies, and the dude in front of us decides to write a check. Of course as soon as he whips out the tattered checkbook from his back pocket I let out a big sigh & say to myself, "are you kidding me?". Be honest, are you this person? If you are, I can no longer speak to you. It's like c'mon guy, get a check card. With the exception of my Grandma, who's like a hundred, everybody's got one. Banks give these to you for free, btw. Why aren't you taking advantage of this feature? Maybe you get some personal enjoyment from selecting that special box of checks, like the clowns with balloons ones? I still have the same box of checks I ordered three addresses ago, they have Tom & Jerry on them, 4 different chase scenes. Can you guess how many times someone has said to me, "hey is that Tom & Jerry?". Umm you know it is...why you askin'? To embarrass me? I'm not embarrassed of that, it's not like they came by accident, I did that on purpose. The way I see it, if I gotta write a check, I'm going all in, none of this standard check shit. AND it took this guy like 12 minutes to write the damn thing out. There's only 5 fields: the date, the who, the numeric dollar amount in the box, the handwritten dollar amount & signature. If you're looking to be ambitious, a 6th would be the memo field...which is pointless to begin with, because if you feel the need to have to remind yourself later what you just bought, there's a problem. You do realize that you can bang out 3 of these 5 while your shit is being rung up, but instead choose to stand there & stare at the cashier's screen (like you're gonna catch her in some kind of scam). And if it's taking you more than 18 seconds to write out a check, there's yet another problem on top of your other ones that needs to be addressed. Does this person know what happens the second they pull out that checkbook? We're all waiting behind you, we want to go & get back to our lives, you're preventing this from taking place. For this brief period of time, the check writer is in complete control...holding our lives in the balance of his stupid, check writing ways. I mean, at any point he could screw it up & have to start over, not to mention we're aware there's another step to this process, the cashier asking for his license. This is around the time when you can see that single bead of sweat slowly dripping down the side of his face, he knows we're all pissed. This is probably the EXACT same person who gets in their car, heads towards the tollway & still tosses change in the basket. For god's sake man, GET AN IPASS! We all have one, we're all coasting through the gate. I know you've seen us do this, yet you refuse to get one. Why? You're being charged double for tolls, is that not an added incentive right there? Is it fun to scramble for change? No, it's not. Stop it. But I know that once you finally break down & get this complicated little device, you're gonna be that person who comes to a complete stop, or close to a complete stop, in the IPASS lane! Why are people doing this? The whole point is to"not stop". I came close to ending up in the backseat of someone's Volvo 3 weeks ago because I didn't realize this asshat was going to hit the brakes. Whoever you were, I hate you. So save your checks for your rent, get yourself an IPASS, and go cash in your change at the Coinstar. Because if these things don't stop happening, I'm going to lose it like Steven Slater did with Jet Blue.

Caffeine makes my face twitch

Trying to think of a good Montage for tonight, leaning towards Cartoon themes. Apparently I'm on my own when it comes to my thoughts on Scooby Doo. These thoughts are: dumbest cartoon, ever. I don't even get the point of this show. Plus I'm extremely annoyed by Fred, who has way too many fashion "donts" going on for just one person. Orange scarf, really? You're not part of some reality show panel on the Bravo network, take that thing off. And what's the deal with him & Daphne, are they dating? Friends w/benefits, or am I way off the mark here?! I mean Daphne is cute & all, I dig the red hair, but she needs to get a commitment from this guy...which may be difficult, because I'm not entirely convinced he likes girls. And how come Fred's white sweater always looks like it just got out of the wash. Aren't they usually creepin' around a really old building, or abandoned warehouse? How is he avoiding all this dirt & grime? Impossible, unless he's got a tide to go pen stuffed somewhere in his really tight sky blue bell bottoms. Velma, on the geek meter she's like a 9, with 8 being the highest. And again with the orange, which leads me to believe she secretly has it bad for Fred. Or maybe Velma is that girl who is all geeked out, but then ends up taking off her glasses & baggy clothes, then turns out to be hot, and no one ever knew. We know Shaggy wouldn't have noticed...he never knew what the hell was going on. Where'd they find this dirtbag anyway? If I had to guess, I'd say a dumpster. We know two things for certain about Shaggy, he smokes way too much reefer, and is always too corked out of his mind to contribute anything relevant to the investigation. What you probably don't know may surprise you, like his real name: Norville Rogers. Who does this to their child? If it's you, then take a good look at this kid, because he's probably pawning your jewelry & personal belongings while you're away at work. His bff is Scooby, poor creature does nothing but get a contact buzz all day...which probably explains why he sounds the way he does. He's eating way too many dog biscuits, btw. Go to the Petsmart & check out a box of Milkbones, he's exceeding the recommended serving size for his weight & breed. And did they ever get paid for solving these "cases"? How are they earning money? The Mystery Machine had to get back & forth somehow, who's paying for gas? I'm sure after a few pulls off the bong, Shaggy is off camera siphoning it from a random car or truck.

Compare this show to Tom and Jerry, no doubt about which one prevails. Although here's something I never quite understood: of all the years watching that show (and I still do, like I don't know what the outcome is gonna be), why did they decide to bury the hatchet & agree to become friends ? Who staged this intervention? Spike? And somewhere in this little agreement, Jerry starts wearing a red bow tie. I don't like it. I mean, why not wear a matching cumberbun too, Jer? Dude you're a mouse, not a banquet server, take the friggin' tie off. And as dumb as Tom was, he was persistent. Which is what you normally want in a house cat, right? Actually I have no idea, not a fan of them (except for Tom). What do they do? Besides nothing. They can't fetch or roll over (on cue), they can't hand you a paw unless you hang some string in front of their face, not to mention you can't take them out for walks. Oh, and if you're doing this, taking your cat (or anything that is not a dog) for a walk, you need to stop, because you look ridiculous & people are talking about you behind your back. And I don't like the fact that cats are so sneaky. One minute they're there, the next they're not. Where'd you go, and why are you being so secret about it? I don't like being creeped up on, stop it.

Talk to you soon,
Mason

The keyboard I'm using is a Belkin

In case anyone ever asks, the answer is yes...I have a DVD buying problem. I've come to terms with it, it's ok. Speaking of which, I was at the Best Buy earlier and would like to know the following: can anyone tell me what's going on with their receipts? Why are they so long? It's like the Declaration of Independence. The dude behind the counter had to change paper rolls because it was so long. I could've wrapped that thing around my neck and wore it as a scarf. Seriously, why do they feel the need to give me all this paper? I don't want it, nor do I need it.

I'm just sayin'..

-MM

Water is two parts Hydrogen, one part Oxygen

Caught an episode of 'Saved by the Bell' this morning. Apparently in this wacky scenario, the gang got together & formed a band. They cleverly coined themselves, "Zack Attack". And wouldn't you know - each one of them had some type of musical talent. You have lead singer Zack Morris, who's also the lead guitarist, of course; A.C. Slater as the drummer (he also sang); Jessie Spano & Kelly Kapowski are your backup singers; Lisa Turtle played the bass; while everyone's favorite dork, Screech Powers, is on the keyboards. This has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. Thankfully, they were able to give us such hits as "Love Me Now", "Make my Day" and my personal favorite..."Friends Forever". In one scene, a bunch of girls bum rush the stage & rip off Screech's shirt, exposing his bare chest, the crowd goes wild. He has a body type comparable to my 3 and a half year old Nephew, what's the attraction here? And I'm a little confused, between Zack always plotting some type of "caper", Slater lifting free weights throughout the day, Jesse pursuing some type of noble cause, Kelly working up a new cheer, Lisa running up her parents credit cards at the Mall, and Screech stalking Lisa, when did these fools find time to get together & practice? I don't recall seeing that. Even more incredible is that Zack Attack got booked to play the school dance! And as I scan the crowd, I see like 6 couples dancing. Question: I had almost 600 classmates in my graduating class at Prospect High School, where are the rest of these kids? And how is Mr. Belding still running this school? That's kinda like asking, why is Michael Scott still the Manager at Dunder Mifflin (or is it Sabre). Seriously, someone needs to get in touch with the Superintendent, because I want to know why Belding still has a job at Bayside. And while you're at it, please get me the number to Screech's parents, I need to figure out why they continue to let him out of the house looking the way he does..

Ttyl.
Mason

The plantain is part of the banana family

So you're probably like, why does this idiot have a picture of Super Grover on his blog. Hmm, well simply put...love Super Grover. That's about all the explanation I can provide.

I still watch Sesame Street when I can too. If you've ever really sat down & watched the bits with all the characters, it's lol hilarious! Being me, and being curious by nature, I wonder how some of these guys came to find a home on Sesame Street. Such as...

Kermit the Frog - the only real normal one of the bunch (besides the fact that he's sexually involved with a pig). Or did he & Miss Piggy break up?! Idk. I don't remember hearing about anything on TMZ. I think if I were Kermit, one could only take so much of "hey who's with the pig?".

Oscar the Grouch - you bitter, angry b@stard. Hey guy, how about getting a job? Then you could move out of the trash can & in to a studio apartment. Someone needs to get this guy on the show "Intervention", cause he's in need of some serious help. Then again, he's been living in his own urine & feces for 40 years, so why stop now.

Big Bird - what a freak of nature. I'd be scared to death if I saw that thing coming towards me down the street. When I ride my bike at the park, I don't even make eye contact with the geese because I'm afraid they'll bite my face off.

The Count - ok, what's with the accent? And are we supposed to be scared? He doesn't change in to a bat or sleep in a coffin, and he goes out during the day...I mean c'mon. Plus I know Twilight, and he doesn't sparkle. I'm convinced he's just a regular guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder due to the fact he feels the need to count everything. Off camera I'm sure he's always washing his hands. "Eh eh eh.."

Bert & Ernie - two adult men sharing a one bedroom apartment, with their beds (please note that one has an "E", the other has a "B", is this even necessary?) in the same room. Besides the obvious question, I have another...how the hell do they afford this place? Do they work? Ernie spends all his time in the tub, and who's gonna hire a guy with a thick, black unibrow? Staffing agencies most likely turn Bert away.

Cookie Monster - probably has the highest cholesterol count of anyone on the street. Alhough this guy tries to abstain from eating cookies all day, he has no will power. I'm thinking he may have a tapeworm, or type I diabetes. Someone should introduce him to a box of Snackwells (nom, nom, nom).

Mr. Snuffleupagus - finally came out of hiding in the mid 80's. It used to be that only Big Bird could see him, then he'd bolt anytime someone else would come around. What was he so self conscious about? Maybe cause his only friend was a freakish looking yellow bird that could walk and talk. Apparently that wasn't socially acceptable until 1985.

Guy Smiley - America's forgotten game show host! Long before Pat Sajak & Chuck Woolery became somewhat popular, Guy had it all. Unfortunately, he disappeared a few years back. He probably borrowed money from the wrong person. Did you notice he was always over excited & shouted alot. One word, methamphetamines.

As stated in the very beginning...I left my all time favorite for last:

Grover (or Super Grover) - besides Darth Vader, he is by far the coolest guy ever, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He ties a bright red cape around his neck (and wrists), and wears a Roman helmet that is like 6 sizes too big for his head, then crashes into everything. In reality, this guy has no business being a superhero, but I like the fact that he does it anyway. And in most cases, the people in distress solve their dilemma when he's not looking. Although that's great for them, I'm sure he's pissed that they wasted his time.

Keep at it Super Grover, you're my hero. Yeah that's right, I said it...

xoxo,
Mike Mason

The "T" in potpourri is silent

And wouldn't you know...I hear there are talks about a possible TNT Original movie to be made about the life of Cap'n Crunch, starring Wilfred Brimley. Some cameos will include Dennis Franz as the "Cookie Crisp" keystone cop and Brad Garrett as "Frankenberry".

Don't worry, I'm on top of it.

-MM

My alarm clock helps get me up in the morning

...I'm still on a cereal rant.

As previously stated, I'm a big fan of Froot Loops. At one point in my life, maybe age 9, I was all about the Captain (oops, Cap'n) Crunch. Question, what exactly is this guy a Captain of? I mean, let's see some documentation before we start calling you "Captain". If that's the case, couldn't anyone be a Captain then?! Do you think he tried coming out with cereal earlier on in his Naval career? I would've liked to been in the room when he pitched Private First Class Crunch to the people at Quaker. And what about Fruity Pebbles? Although I enjoyed the Fred & Barney commercials, I can only handle so much of Fred's stupidity. It's like, dude...when are you going to realize that the guy in the oversize fake handlebar mustache trying to steal your cereal is your best friend Barney Rubble? Barney pulled that off what, two/three times a week? Fred would be all surprised & get upset, "BARNEY, my pebbles!". Fred, get a goddman clue man. And why can't Barney buy his own cereal? He worked at the same quarry as Fred did, are we to assume that Fred earned a better living? Idk, but I do remember seeing a pretty expensive Elephant shower in someone's backyard, I think it was the Flintstones. Regardless, the lesson to be learned here is this: if your best friend is constantly trying to steal your cereal, you either need to a) pick better friends, b) work on your attention to detail, c) buy a safe, or d) umm...I forgot d, but I'm sure it was good.

Digging for my prize now.

TTYL
Mason

Wednesday has 9 letters

Let me start by saying...what the hell is this? I went grocery shopping to buy some essentials, such as "food" and "beverage", and came across this box of Gorilla Munch. Who is buying this? You? No you're not. And what's with all the Gorillas? Plus it appears that the one in front is actually in possession of a bowl, that's not very realistic. In all my times at the zoo, I've never encountered that situation, ever. Is there a continuation on the back of the box, where you see another Gorilla setting a table, maybe another cutting up bananas?! I'm never buying Gorilla Munch. I'll stick to my fave, Froot Loops. I also checked out some other cereals, all the generic ones are hilarious, btw. Plus I love how the names are so similar to the actual ones, like we're too stupid to tell the difference. I think I spent close to an hour in the cereal aisle, Phil Woodman was pissed. Here are a few I saw:

Real: Froot Loops
Fake: Froot Rings

Instead of Toucan Sam, we get some dirty circus monkey on the box. Kinda looks like that annoying monkey toy that just clangs the cymbals. And why didn't they just go with another bird? Like a sparrow, or the northern pintail.

Real: Cheerios
Fake: Toasted Oats

I bet when the bumblebee got wind of this imposter, he totally lost it. I mean, who had the balls to make a generic version of Cheerios, right? I'm sure he expressed his many concerns, but nobody cared. Why? Because we hate bees, they sting us.

Real: Rice Krispies
Fake: Crispy Rice

Anyone fooled by the name switcheroo? Maybe spell crispy with a "K" next time. As for Snap, Crackle & Pop, these kids have no goals in life. They spend their time making Rice Krispies, then sit around all day eating it. This is why you never see them with girls.

So remember, next time you're at the store...be warned that these generics are practically RIGHT next to the actuals. Don't be fooled.

xoxo,
Mike Mason

I just got pulp in my eye

So I got pulled over again, this time for a "no turn on red". Before that it was "speeding". (yeah, I'm aware my "offenses" are in quotes) Seriously, what's wrong with me? Like, why am I finding it so hard to obey the law? If I keep this up, you're gonna see me on the shoulder of 41 riding an obnoxious bike with a banana seat, an orange flag, with one of those baskets attached to the front. Although...the basket might be a plus. I could keep some pretty cool stuff in there, like a spiral notebook, or maps (for my travels), and some crackers. My question to you is: if this should happen, would you still be my friend? Please check one:

Yes ____ No ____ Maybe ____ Definitely Not, loser. ____

Love,
MM

I carpool to work on my tandem bike

Been tossing around the idea of getting rollerblades. I know people still do this, I've seen them. Or maybe ice skates, or both? Actually I haven't laced up a pair of skates since I just got back from Turin, Italy where I took Silver in the Ladies Free Skate Short Program. No wait, that was Sasha Cohen. Honestly, I end up injured with anything I try & do which doesn't involve walking, and even that's a challenge at times. Maybe I'll just stay retired from Rollerblading, Ice Skating, and ...oh, Skiing. It's been a long time since I almost killed myself, 8th grade to be exact. It was a trip to Denver, Colorado with some friends, and for the majority of that time, I spent it on the bunny hill, evading --err, I mean practicing. Eventually giving in to the peer pressure that haunts all teens, I opted to attempt some bigger slopes. Not sure if you're aware of this little nugget, but Mike Mason is afraid of heights...so the entire time UP the ski lift I had to cover my eyes & try not to soil myself. It's funny because I accidentally went down the wrong hill, the skull & crossbones on the sign should've been my first clue that it was too advanced. Believe it or not, I made it down in one piece, had fun, decided to take another run at it. Spoiler alert: this is the point in the story where I almost die. So me & a buddy are waiting for the ski lift to swoop us away, here it comes, on our way up...but wait...the ski attached to my left foot gets stuck in the snow & comes off. My initial thought? "Oh f*%k!" So what are my options here? Just ride the ski lift to the top, then be the only fool on the way down with a bunch of empty lifts? Sure, makes sense. After thinking about for a few seconds, then hesitating, then thinking some more, I decided to go a slightly different route...I bailed.

Moral(s) of the story:

a) Make sure your feet don't get caught in the snow on your way up a ski lift.
b) Don't jump off a ski lift that's already 20 feet in the air.
c) Do what's possible to avoid acting like a complete jackass.


Sincerely,
Mike Mason

An isosceles triangle has two equal sides

What up.

So why is it that some people continually drive 55mph or less in the left lane on 94? Can I just tell you how much that irritates me, especially since I travel on 94 quite a bit. I mean, Mike Mason has places to go (you do too, right?), so get the hell out of the way. I figured it was common knowledge, or sense for that matter, to be courteous and move over. Aren't there signs that read "slower traffic keep right"? I notice this happens a lot with people with Wisconsin plates, or some other out of state plate. I was under the impression this was universal. No? Am I to believe that people out of state do the opposite? Like if I drive through Wyoming, is everyone driving super fast in the right lane and going 55mph in the left?

For example, this morning I'm cruisin' along, making stellar time, then all of a sudden I come up to some yahoo who is takin' his sweet ole time in the left lane, holding the steering wheel at 2 & 10 with the seat up so far his face is almost pressed against the glass. Sure, I could easily pass him by & then be on my merry way again...but NO, I feel I need to make an example out of him. So if this situation ever happens to you, feel free to take the following measures:

Step #1 - Tailgate. At this point it's a clear signal that someone is trying to get by, so the slow driver should move over to the right. If this does not work, proceed to step #2.

Step #2 - Honk. Use it, that's why it's there. If nothing happens, move to step #3.

Step #3 - Flash your brights. You're seriously still there? Wtf. Go to step #4.

Step #4 - Flash your brights again! I mean a second round of brights should at least alert this fool that there's probably someone in his rear view mirror perspiring like Robert Hays in 'Airplane' and mouthing obscenities. If this fails to work, proceed to step #5.

Step #5 - Pass the driver (and give a disgusted look as you drive by) but then turn back in the left lane & get in front of 'em. You should slow down to a speed just under what they were driving & keep at it for a little bit, see if they get annoyed (just like you've been the last few minutes). Usually the slow driver will realize that he's a complete idiot and move over to the right. IF NOT, I have prepared a step #6 for you.

Step #6 - Here I like to do what I've coined,"the thumb". You're right in front of them, they can see you, which means they're aware you're the guy they've been making hyperventilate...soooo, take your right hand, closed fist, thumb extended outward & motion them over to the next lane. Please be aware that "the thumb" will usually trigger "the finger", happens almost every time.

Hopefully these 6 steps will assist you the next time you encounter a slow driver in the left lane. If you were unsuccessful in your attempts to get them out of the way, take comfort in the fact that you may have made them aware of their problem. Most likely they'll end up discussing you later in the day, or when they get to work or wherever they're headed. This may even prompt the person listening to ask, "were you in the left lane?". Yep, it's a lesson for the kids out there...

Ok, well I just broke out in to a sweat reliving that whole experience.

TTYL
-MM

I'm 73 inches tall

..you just did the math, didn't you.

Is it ever going to stop raining? I feel like it's been raining for a year. I think I'm going to build an arc, so if anyone wants in, tell me now. I will need to borrow a truck when I head to Lowes, because I don't think all the lumber will fit in my Altima Coupe. And what all do I need? I'm sure Noah made a list, right? And how did he get all his stuff, anyway? I mean, there wasn't a Menards around then...someone had to supply with it. Idk. Here's my list:

• Wood.
• Nails.
• A hammer.
• Paint (to make a racing stripe).
• A flag.
• Ramen Noodles, or a bunch of Easy Mac.
  
• I'm pretty sure I need a beam of some sort.
• Rudder.
  
• An anchor, In case I want to stop & hang out.
• Pencils (No. 2).
• Sprial notebook (to draw, and take note of stupid sh*t I see along the way).

Yeah I think that just about does it...I'll let you know when it's ready to set sail.

Off to Fox Lake @ 10am!

xoxo,
Mike Mason

I read from left to right

Am I the only person these days who doesn't own a crock pot? Honestly, I don't see a reason to own one right now. It's possible I'm still scarred from my buddy Ryan and his crock pot tales. He's pretty responsible nowadays, but there was a time in his mid 20's when he wasn't...like the days when he lived alone & never went to the grocery store. He told me one time that him & his buddy bought some ground beef & some other various items & just threw it all in a crock pot. Well apparently the next day there were leftovers in the crock (is that an acceptable abbreviation for crock pot?). Want to know how they prepared the leftovers of the "mystery meal"? Cool, cause I'm going to tell you...I'm also going to use all caps. THEY LEFT THE CROCK POT ON THE COUNTER AND FEASTED ON THEIR MEAT CONCOCTION THE ENTIRE WEEK UNTIL IT WAS GONE. I remember him telling me this and I had this stupefied look on my face the entire time. Here were a few of my follow up questions:

A) Huh?
B) You did what?
C) Are you an idiot???
D) You didn't put the meat in a container & keep it in the fridge?
E) Huh?

So these two clowns probably kept two spoons in the g.d. crock pot all week & just dip in to it whenever they got hungry. What the hell kind of non-sense is that? He is "Johnny Salmonella".

Ok, who's hungry?

Regards,
Mike Mason

A subject and predicate make a sentence

I'm craving a McGriddle. Not sure why, I NEVER eat at McDonalds anymore . It's not easy for me to eat there anyway, probably cause that was my 1st ever job. I was 14 yrs old & my parents were tired of me contributing nothing to society, so my Dad gave me 2 choices - Burger King or McD's. I'll be honest, neither one of those two appealed to me. My Dad went & spoke to the Manager Carl & even went so far as to fill out the application for me. I get home from school & he tells me that Carl (apparently now on a first name basis w/the guy) wants to hire me. In my 3 yr tenure with the McDonald's corporation, I lost my job a total of 4 times. The 1st time was when one of the Mgrs, Abel, asked me to go sweep up the lobby. On my way out I grabbed a large fry & sat in the one of the corner booths reading the paper. I'm about 1/2 way through a pretty sweet order of fries & all of a sudden I hear, "What the hell is this??". Fired. Somehow my Dad talked to Carl, got my job back. So I'm moppin' up that area right behind the counter & used too much water (I'm a kid, I don't know how to mop) & another Mgr , Tom, comes around the corner really fast & just wipes out man, it was pretty comical (to me). I'm sure it didn't help that I started laughing right in front of the guy. Fired. Yet again, Dad talked to his buddy Carl, & got my job back. This guy came thru the drive thru & ordered a McChicken w/extra mayo. We'd use a caulking gun type thing to put sauce on stuff & I was experimenting with it & drenched the guys sandwich. He gets his food, pulls away & you see him hit the brakes. He comes stormin' in, slams the bag on the counter & pulls out the McChicken. There was so much mayo on it that it had soaked thru the wrapping & was everywhere. I found that one amusing too, but the Mgr didn't. Fired. Don't ask me why, but Carl still had faith in good ole Mike Mason, got my job back. You need to wonder at this point, why Carl is going to such great lengths to keep me on the payroll. When the McJordan had come out, that was a great time for me, cause I was the world's biggest Michael Jordan fan. It was basically a Quarter Pounder w/Cheese but w/BBQ sauce & bacon (mmmm). To promote it, they made us wear these stupid buttons w/Jordan's picture on it. For some reason, unknown to this day, I "borrowed" a big bag of them...but got busted. Fired. Yeah at this point in my career, Dad no longer had any pull with Carl.

I must say I'm doing pretty well at 102.3 though, 5+ years, 0 firings. Who's awesome? Me.

-MM

I like college ruled paper

I got chased by a dog while riding my bike the other morning. This ever happen to anyone? I almost pee'd myself! Kept up with me for like a mile & a half too. So are leashes overrated these days, or what? Maybe I should've gotten off my bike and started chasing HIM. Anyway, next time I go out I'm wrapping myself in 12 layers of bubble wrap. Or if you see a guy on his bike wearing one of those heavy protective dog suits that are in those police training videos, it's probably me. Hey how do I get one of those?!

Sincerely,
Mike Mason

The clock says 3:20pm, but it feels like 3:21pm

Ever compare arms with someone and realize how ghostly white you are? Yeah, I just did that. I know it's July, but I think I may need to go tanning. However, I'm not even sure that's a good idea considering I was banned from a tanning salon during college. I was a sophomore at Carthage and a few of my female bff's were going tanning, and I had never been to one before, so I thought why not, let's go get dark. So I got in my booth, locked the door and took off all my clothes. (Disclaimer: at this point in my life, partying and my fraternity were top priority, so I didn't get much rest). Anyway, when I laid down in this thing (which had a radio in the headrest), it was so relaxing that, boom, fell asleep. Next thing you know, I open my eyes and I have this older lady Renata like six inches from my face with a look of total disgust on her face. I was thinkin' to myself, "what is she lost?". No, it was the owner of the tanning salon. Here's what went down...after I passed out, the timer went off, the bed came up...but I was out cold. The door was locked, so no one could get in. There were shoes scattered around the tanning bed, from my friends throwing them over the wall to try and get me up. Finally the owner busted in and woke me up. There I am, laying in the tanning bed with my "junk" on display for everyone to see. Fantastic. The owner of the salon told my friends that I was never allowed back in her joint again. I was told she put emphasis on the word 'never'.

I haven't been tanning since. Anyone want to go? lol

xoxo,
Mike Mason

Skim Milk has no fat in it

Hola! Como esta usted, y tu? Yep, seven years of Spanish right there .

I did some shopping, went to the Target. So I'm browsing in one of the aisles and I see this dude totally staring at me. He walks up to me and goes, "Hey Chris!". I was like, "Excuse me?". He repeats himself, "Hey Chris!". So I just begin to stare at him with this blank expression on my face. I finally end the suspense and simply tell him, "Dude, I'm not Chris". He seems perplexed, a few seconds go by, then he says, "Are you sure?". Hmmm, well now that you mention it stranger, I'm really not sure. What do you say we head over by the patio furniture so I can sit down for a few minutes and think about it. YES I'M SURE YOU IDIOT! Then I get a call on my cell phone from some clown looking to speak to Louis Galoonga. Ok, what is happening in my world? Apparently I have a major identity crisis on my hands here. I'm like Sandra Bullock in that movie "The Net". Doesn't anyone want to talk to Mike Mason anymore? I'm a good person, I'm fun...I like to think I eat and dress well...I obey most of the traffic laws. Those are some good qualities, right? Whatev.

Ok, I'm out.

MM

Donald Duck never wore pants

Got some good news in the mail, apparently I was selected by the "World's Leading Fitness Center Franchise" as a potential winner in one of their giveaways. All I had to do was scratch off the front side of the card to see what I won. Grand Prize was a 2 Year FREE membership & a 3 Day/2 Night vacation package. First prize was a 1 month FREE membership, second prize was a 1 week FREE membership. I am happy to announce that I was awarded the second prize...a 1 week FREE membership to 'Ladies Workout Express'. They have a 24 station circuit training, a kids waiting area and tanning is available to members only. Since I'm the lucky second prize winner, I guess that makes me a member. Do you think they'll care that I'm not a lady? I'm gonna throw on the headband, some wristbands, maybe some leg warmers...and cruise on over to 'Ladies Workout Express' and sign up, what the hell do I care.

Happy Friday!

Mike Mason

Plants grow because we water them

Happy Friday, dawgs.

I spotted twinkies in our vending machine last night. I did some investigative journalism and found that they have a shelf life of 25 days, so it should be interesting to see who rolls the dice first. Seriously though, I don't think I've ever seen a Twinkie anywhere outside of a grocery store. As for that cowboy, "Twinkie the Kid", get your crotch off our twinkies dude, we have to eat those!

Suggestion for vending machine: Zingers. Anyone with me? I used to think the chocolate ones were the best, but I'm all about vanilla now. Those strawberry coconut ones are just god awful, who's eating these? And whoever conjured up that idea should be stabbed (repeatedly) with a sharp object...like a spork.

Great, now I'm hungry. Damnit.


-MM

Eagles Have Large Talons

Random question, is Quiznos going out of business?? Yet another one shut down by me. That just means I'll be living @ the Panera Bread, because I refuse to go back to Subway. (I got off that ride years ago). Someone asked me the other day why I dislike Jared so much. Well, here's the thing - when I'm in Subway, the LAST thing I want to see when I sit down to eat a Cold Cut Combo is to be staring at a full size cardboard cutout of Jared stretching out his fat pants. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that he lost like 6,000 lbs, but seriously...leave the pants at home. And what's with all the commercials? Jared acting is like Shannon Sharpe being a studio analyst for CBS Sports, it doesn't work.

Jared, get fat again.

xoxo
Mike Mason

Thursday comes directly after Wednesday

'Ello.

So I was watching "The Empire Strikes Back" the other night. Which, if you've read my bio on XLC.com, you'll know that's one of my favorite movies of all time. And when I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be Darth Vader. I'd wear a cape to school, my teachers would ask me for my homework...I would just wave my hand & say "You don't need to see my homework". Ok the Jedi mind trick never worked but it was always worth a try. So watching that movie got me thinking, how stressful of an environment do you think it was working for the Empire. I mean if you reported directly to Darth Vader, you make one wrong move & the dude kills you. Other than that, I'm sure it was a good company to work for...401K, good medical/dental package, tuition reimbursement, competitive salary. Do you think that when a potential new hire came in & watched the orientation video, it mentions that if you screw something up Darth Vader will have you killed? Probably not. I'm sure if it did they'd get the hell out of there & just head down a galaxy or two & apply at one of those kiosks in the Mall, or maybe at Dollar General. I want to know about the parts they didn't show you in the movie. For instance, was there a break room on any of these ships? Like employees standing around a watercooler gabbing about The Death Star, or the latest Empire Reality show. Then in walks Darth Vader to grab a cup of coffee...drops his change...picks it up...puts it in the machine...then the paper cup doesn't come down...he kicks the machine. Of course as soon as his change hit the floor everybody bolted. Plus we all need to eat, right? Where was the cafeteria? And who did Darth Vader take lunch with every day? Or maybe he just brown bagged it, who really knows?! These were pretty big ships too, I'm sure it wasn't easy to communicate, so I'm assuming that there were interoffice memos floating around. And if you got one in your inbox which reads at the top, "From the Desk of Darth Vader...", you know you're a dead man.

These are the kind of things I think about..

Mike Mason

Caffeine is spelled with 2 f's

Heyyy...

Well it's almost 9pm, I have about 3 hrs to go here, drinking a Pepsi Max, so I should be up till what...2-3am? I think I could be addicted to caffeine, but it hasn't been confirmed yet. I've been trying to wean myself off a little, only had three cups today. I find those coffee drinkers who have to go, "ahhhhhhhh" after every sip rather annoying. I mean, is that really necessary? Yeah it's good, I know, we get it. Ok, just thought I'd drop a quick line.

Mike Mason out.

I only have 63 Crayolas in my box of 64

Hump Day.

I'm working tonight of course 7p-midnight, and I got stuck in a little traffic on 41 on my way in . So I'm in the right lane and this dude passes me to the left in a station wagon...want to know what he was doing inside? You do? Cool, cause I want to share it with you. He was BRUSHING HIS TEETH! Ok who does this??? Even if I'm running like super late, I still leave time to brush my teeth. I started cracking up to myself, couldn't believe it! Apparently this clown has some time management issues, so it got me thinkin'...what else might he do on the go? Like does he have a little portable toaster in his car? Could you imagine being next to him on the road and all of a sudden you see two pieces of toast just pop up out of nowhere. Maybe he velcro'd a Mr. Coffee machine to his dashboard, but I was too caught up in the whole teeth thing to catch it. And in case you were wondering, I didn't have time to shower at home, I' just brought a bucket of water and a bar of Zest in the car with me.

Well call me (336-1023) or email me (mike@1023xlc.com) tonight!!! =)

Yours Truly,

Mike Mason

I have a garage, and sometimes I keep my car in it

I got my sideburns waxed a few days ago. Hurt like a mother f*%$ker. Second time I've done this, last time was a few years ago...did the eyebrows.

It all started cause I felt some fuzz going on between the 'brows & I think its about that time to take care of biz. My stylist at the time told me, "Ok, I want to try something today, are you ready for it?". So she lays the whole waxing thing on me, I was totally open to it. I asked her if that was her way of hinting to me that I was starting to look like Bert from Sesame Street. She said no, there was no unibrow action going on (whew). ANYWAY, she finished with my hair and brings me back in this room, all I see is this white chair thing, she instructs me to lay down. I saw a small hole in this table, near the top of it, so being the complete jackass that I am, I laid on the table chest facing down. She has this weird look on her face and starts cracking up. It was one of the moments where you do something & you know you just screwed up & made a total fool out of yourself, it was amusing. So she puts that hot wax on, rips the paper off & I scream out "Kelly Clarkson!".

Long story short (too late for that), it hurt, I shed blood, but walked with away with some nice brows.

Yeah ok, that's about all I got right now...

Talk to you at 7pm! =)

xoxo,
Mike Mason

Drew Carey is a tool bag

..it's true, you know it.

And I miss Bob Barker. Every day at 10:00am is just not the same any more on The Price Is Right. Seriously, how have we survived these past few years?? I know Bob Barker is like a billion years old, but dig the guy back up. I'm tired of seeing some other scrub hand contestants their Plinko Chips. And who else could juggle two showcases like Bob? Maybe someone could do one, but two??

Other favorite games:

Any Number - Classic. You've got the big prize, a crappy one and the dreaded piggy bank. It's so much more fun to watch someone win 47 cents than a car (but not if it's me up there).

Card Game - The one with the oversize, novelty playing cards. I always wanted to see someone pick the card that said "Rules For Draw And Stud Poker".

Clock Game - It's tough to run a 30 second clock while watching some clown run back & forth trying to place the right price on stuff. Bob should purposely trip someone.

Check Game - Huge oversized check, big pen with a feather. Does Bob endorse it after the show? I'd take that thing to my bank's drive thru teller and just stuff it in the tube.

Dice Game - Giant red dice, what else needs to be said. Imagine having five of those for Yahtzee, you'd need a 40 gallon trash can to shake 'em up.

Hole In One - I'd always point & laugh at my t.v. when some idiot would miss the putt really bad. Hasn't everyone played miniature golf before?? There's no windmill in front of you, just putt it & win something already.

Lucky $even - Bob gives you seven dollar bills, you owe him a buck for each digit you are off and you need at least one dollar left over to buy the car. He probably pockets the dollars lost and uses them for the vending machine during commercial break. That'd be funny if you saw a Twix wrapper peering out of his suit jacket..

Punch A Bunch - A giant punchboard revealing dollar amounts behind it. Seriously, what's with the people who take 2 or 3 punches to break paper, go to the gym.

Safe Crackers - Reminds me of Al Capone's vault, except there is more than just dirt and broken glass (but those do sound like fantastic prizes).

Secret X - I don't know, this one always kinda creeped me out. I think it's the design of the X's, very mysterious looking, like they were shipped from China or something and at any time a ninja would come out and grab you. Or you'd hear a gong, then Bob would start talking but his words would be delayed.


There are alot more games, but let's face it...I'm lazy.

Talk to you later! =)

Mike Mason

Blog spelled backwards is golb

Yo yo! Well due to the fact that I didn't want to go an entire YEAR without posting a blog, I'm going to submit one today (actually it's been 10 months & 15 days). I don't even have a topic, I'm just going to sit here, type and see what kind of dumb things spew out...

So Tone Loc was @ Blarney Island in Antioch this past Friday night! Yes, "that" guy...'Wild Thing', 'Funky Cold Medina'...and you most certainly recognize him from his role in the 1993 movie 'Surf Ninas', which also starred comedy greats (by great I mean not so great) Rob Schneider & Leslie Nielsen. This movie is no doubt on your shelf @ home, part of the DVD collection that you're proud to show off to your family & friends. I'm assuming it sits right next to 'From Justin To Kelly', 'Big Momma's House 2', 'Jaws: The Revenge' and the Shaquille O'Neal classic, 'Kazaam'. Who ever thought it was a good idea to let Shaquille O'Neal make a movie? I mean, you've seen his interviews, you've seen his commercials, how would those ever translate in to just an OK movie?? Beleive it or not, people in the movie industry thought it was a good idea to cast him in 10 others. Yes that's correct, Shaquille O'Neal has 11 films to his credit. Who is going to see these? You?? No, you're not. And if you are, then I can't talk to you anymore.

That's about all I got for today, more stupidity tomorrow.

xoxo
Mike Mason