Stop signs are red...and octagons.

Finally saw The Hunger Games, Katniss is a true B.A.M.F. I'm pretty sure if I was ever picked in a reaping, I'd pray she wasn't opposite of me because I'd be dead within 3 seconds. Which is awesome. What's especially awesome was hearing half the movie narrated by the jackass couple behind us. They actually came in late, so they missed the part after the previews where it says in big bold letters on the screen to "keep your goddamn mouth shut". That's why they tell you that at the END of the previews, because no one cares if you talk during those. In fact, the previews are when I usually take the time to finish off my $48 worth of snacks that I just purchased like 7 minutes ago. Seriously, if you can make your tub of popcorn last past the previews, what's your secret? I applaud you.

Back to business, these two fools come in late, and I'm assuming the guy had seen it before, because he had to bring her (and all of us in the general vacinity) up to speed, apparently. "That's Katniss, she volunteered for her sister Primrose, who was picked in the reaping"...well thanks for that, Bill Curtis. I don't understand what prompts people to keep yapping through an entire movie, in a theater, with a hundred or so other people. I mean, is this you? Asshole, stop doing this. Are you even remotely aware that this isn't your living room? Plus, nobody cares what you have to say. On top of that, we can all hear you! What's even more amazing, is when the movie gets louder, they feel the need to talk louder. Newsflash, we can still hear you, and it's even more annoying when you do that. What are the proper steps to take? Well since you asked...there are 4:

1) The Obnoxious Sigh - You know of this, because you've done it. If you haven't, just pretend you're really annoyed with something, like some idiots talking behind you in a movie theater, and then just let out a big, siggggghhhh. If the person has any self awareness whatsoever, he'll realize this sigh is directly related to him. Should the talking continue, proceed to step 2.

2) The Look Behind - You slowly look to your left, or your right, and then turn and make eye contact for a brief second. What this does is give you a chance to see who it is, and to make sure it's not an MMA fighter (look for any type of "Tap Out" gear). This should also alert the dummy behind you that you're aware of his gum flappings. If said dummy still continues on, proceed to step 3.

3) The Suggestion - So you've sighed, you've looked behind, now it's time to say something. It can be as simple as, "Excuse me, could you please stop talking?". Or the more forceful, "Alright look, if you don't stop talking, I'm going to stab you in the fucking knee cap." Wait, they're still talking? Ballsy. Proceed to step 4a, 4b, or 4c. Choose one.

4a) Tell the Manager - Have you ever done this? No. No one does this. Which confuses me, because if you get bad service in a restaurant, you ask for the Manager, right? Maybe because if you do this, they will see you get up, and then not come back alone. Trust me, unless you're good with your hands or nun chucks, you'll be looking over both shoulders on your way to the car.

4b) Change Seats - I've done this...and it's a lot of work. I'm all comfortable in my chair with my feet up where they're not supposed to be, I don't want to move. Plus I'm covered in popcorn kernels, do I really want to call attention to this? Absolutely not.

4c) Stab them in the knee cap - I mean you threatened this move, why not follow through with it. Assuming you have a knife with you, this shouldn't be a problem. If you don't, then you need to improvise. I'm sure your girlfriend has a pen in her purse, or maybe a screwdriver. Or take it to concessions, ask for a plastic knife. However, you run the risk of that thing breaking in half on impact, which means that a chase will most likely ensue, and you won't finish the movie, thus having to pay another $400 to get in. Nonsense.

Feel free to thank me later for these wonderful tips.