My garbage gets picked up once per week..

So Sunday was Earth Day, yo. I'm sure you had some bad ass celebration. Per Wikipedia, better known as the website we hit up for rock solid intel, Earth Day is defined as a day held worldwide to increase awareness and appreciation of the Earth's natural environment.  Apparently this been going on since 1970. I mean, who knew? Probably everyone. Besides me...and Earth. Part of me can't help feel a little sad for the planet we all reside on, because this round giant has zero clue it has it's own day. If I were a planet and didn't know I had an entire day (let alone week) named after me, I'd be a little miffed. Who would Earth even take that up with?!  Maybe try the same group of nerds people that broke the news to Pluto that it wasn't really a planet. That event, in itself, is both sad, and comical.  It's sad because imagine getting discovered in 1930, then 76 years later, you find out you're not who you really are...that's like some Dateline shit. Give that assignment to Keith Morrison, he'll knock it out of the park in the creepiest of ways.  Or better yet, Maury Povich. Maury: "Pluto, you are NOT a planet". (Crowd roars, people on stage fall over, Pluto rolls offstage). You get it. And the only reason it's comical, is because I'm kind of an ass.

                  

What about the other planets, you know they're all making fun of Pluto, poor bastard. Seriously, planet bullying, will it ever end? And I know I may be stereotyping here, but you know damn well the ring leader is Jupiter, he's the biggest one. Oh, you have a great red spot? So do genital herpes. Jupiter is a whore.

And what's the deal with Saturn? What is that, a frisbee? It's a shame it's not a habitable planet, because it seems like party land central. And odds are, I'd get drunk there.

I really know nothing of Neptune, besides the fact that's it blue, and cold as shit.

I wonder if Uranus has any idea we've been making fun of it for so many years. And not just that, every single joke has to do with our assholes.  Uranus has no credibility.

Then there's Mars, the "red planet". Either it has anger issues, or it needs to see an allergist. And if there are so called "Martians" occupying the planet, why don't they show themselves? The planet dates back like 4,000+ years, they've had plenty of time to make friends. In other words, I don't trust it. Mars is like France.

Venus, your name rhymes with penis. And if I figured that one out, I'm sure your friends up there did too.

As for Mercury, you may be the first in line, pal...but your shit is too hot for anyone other than you. This is the reason no one lives with you. Your selfishness is your downfall, and you'll most likely die alone.   

With that being said --> suck it, other planets. Earth is awesome.