- Other Rappers. It's very rare for any rapper to do something on his own, without featuring 20 other rappers. Since there is not a Rapper Outlet, I don't have the first clue about finding one. Yes, I'm aware I work for a radio station, but we're not that kind of format. I think the most realistic thing to do is post something on Craigslist. "Aspiring rapper (white), in search of multiple rappers to feature in my rap. Anywhere from 12 - 20 should do." There's no doubt in my mind this will generate many responses. But I can't just get any rapper to reply. See #2.
- Rappers with Lil' in their name. The tough part will be weeding out the hundreds of replies I'll most likely receive. If they don't have Lil' in front of their name, they are not credible. It's probably best to add that to the Craigslist post. I will also need to make a video, and will need many things. Like...
- Expensive cars. I've seen enough rap videos to know these guys love their cars. They love them so much, they don't even drive them, they just stand next to 'em. Any expensive car will do, preferably a Lamborghini, or any car that has doors which are raised up when opened. And if your rims aren't at least 26 inches and don't spin...don't waste my time. We could use my ride, but I roll in a black Nissan Altima coupe...and I've never seen that in any rap video. I need the public to take me seriously.
- Cristal. We're gonna need plenty of Cristal. It's not for us to drink, just to open up and pour on the ground. I don't understand the point of this, but it's necessary. I searched the internet machine and found these go for about $200 - $400 a bottle. That could be a problem. What if I used a lesser brand of wine? Maybe Boone's Farm. I also have plenty of pop in the house, we could just pour 2-Liters of Pepsi Max, or Diet Orange Crush on the ground. On second thought, I want to be legit, so I'll probably ask each rapper to bring their own. I don't think that's too much to ask. BYOC.
- Money. And lots of it. Preferably 100 dollar bills. Rappers love to flash their cash. And flashing 5 dollars bills ain't gonna cut it. Unfortunately I'm no help here. Maybe I'll look in the basement, I might have a pair of jeans in the laundry that has like 3 crinkled dollars in it or something. That won't get us far. Not if we want to make it in this business.
- Baggy pants. If you plan on keeping your pants up, you're in the wrong place. These need to be half way down your ass, because that's how it's done. I think black or camo cargo pants will work best. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this (or maybe I do) but please wear some type of underwear, or boxers. I don't need a bunch of bare-assed idiots running around the set, show some class please.
- Women. I really don't think there's a limit to the amount of women we can have in our video. However, the women must be limber, and be able to roll around on our expensive cars. Short, tight outfits are a must. And if you're open to getting sprayed with a garden hose, that is also a plus. And last but not least...
- Bling. Bring it all. I need you as blinding as possible. If you've got gold in your teeth, we need that. If you have a giant watch that has a face the size of a manhole cover, perfect! Rings? Hopefully you have them...on every finger. And how could I possibly forget chains. I want you wearing so many chains that they weigh your body down. Don't go overboard, what I don't need is a slew of hunched over rappers. We'd be the laughing stock of the hip-hop community. Please note: You will get extra consideration should you have one or more medallions. At multiple times during this video, the camera will be on you, and you'll be required to hold it up at various times, for no apparent reason what-so-ever.
Now I just have to pen my rap. As I sit here with a pad of legal paper, surrounded by crumpled up paper balls, I'm finding this harder than I originally anticipated. I know I need to include the words "yeah" and "uh" about 60-75 times, while throwing in the occasional combination: "yeah, uh uh uh". That should get my point across well. I'm also aware that I have to inform people that I "know what I'm sayin'". I mean, even though I know, you may not know what I'm saying at all. Plus I was born in Chicago, but grew up in the suburbs. I think "on the streets of Mount Prospect" sounds compelling and believable. This information will no doubt be useful to you. I'm sure something I rap about will be humorous...to me...so I'll have to add in some "ha ha ha's". Since this is my first rap, I have no enemies in the hip-hop community, but it's just a matter of time, so I'll need to choose who I diss carefully. And as long as I remember to repeat my own name at least half a dozen times, all the rest will fall in to place.
Peace out, gangstas. Much luv to Big Poppa.
