Know What I'm Saying? Of course you don't...

So I'm thinking about making a rap. I know there are white guys already in the business...like Mac Miller, Marshall Mathers, but you don't get much whiter than this guy (points to self). And since my first and last names are both M, apparently this is my calling. But I need to make a list. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right. I'll need:

1. Other Rappers. It's very rare for any rapper to do something on his own, without featuring 20 other rappers. Since there is not a Rapper Outlet, I don't have the first clue about finding one. Yes, I'm aware I work for a radio station, but we're not that kind of format. I think the most realistic thing to do is post something on Craigslist. "Aspiring rapper (white), in search of multiple rappers to feature in my rap. Anywhere from 12 - 20 should do." There's no doubt in my mind this will generate many responses. But I can't just get any rapper to reply. See #2.
2. Rappers with Lil' in their name. The tough part will be weeding out the hundreds of replies I'll most likely receive. If they don't have Lil' in front of their name, they are not credible. It's probably best to add that to the Craigslist post. I will also need to make a video, and will need many things. Like...
3. Expensive cars. I've seen enough rap videos to know these guys love their cars. They love them so much, they don't even drive them, they just stand next to 'em. Any expensive car will do, preferably a Lamborghini, or any car that has doors which are raised up when opened. And if your rims aren't at least 26 inches and don't spin...don't waste my time. We could use my ride, but I roll in a black Nissan Altima coupe...and I've never seen that in any rap video. I need the public to take me seriously.
4. Cristal. We're gonna need plenty of Cristal. It's not for us to drink, just to open up and pour on the ground. I don't understand the point of this, but it's necessary. I searched the internet machine and found these go for about $200 - $400 a bottle. That could be a problem. What if I used a lesser brand of wine? Maybe Boone's Farm. I also have plenty of pop in the house, we could just pour 2-Liters of Pepsi Max, or Diet Orange Crush on the ground. On second thought, I want to be legit, so I'll probably ask each rapper to bring their own. I don't think that's too much to ask. BYOC.
5. Money. And lots of it. Preferably 100 dollar bills. Rappers love to flash their cash. And flashing 5 dollars bills ain't gonna cut it. Unfortunately I'm no help here. Maybe I'll look in the basement, I might have a pair of jeans in the laundry that has like 3 crinkled dollars in it or something. That won't get us far. Not if we want to make it in this business.
6. Baggy pants. If you plan on keeping your pants up, you're in the wrong place. These need to be half way down your ass, because that's how it's done. I think black or camo cargo pants will work best. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this (or maybe I do) but please wear some type of underwear, or boxers. I don't need a bunch of bare-assed idiots running around the set, show some class please.
7. Women. I really don't think there's a limit to the amount of women we can have in our video. However, the women must be limber, and be able to roll around on our expensive cars. Short, tight outfits are a must. And if you're open to getting sprayed with a garden hose, that is also a plus. And last but not least...
8. Bling. Bring it all. I need you as blinding as possible. If you've got gold in your teeth, we need that. If you have a giant watch that has a face the size of a manhole cover, perfect! Rings? Hopefully you have them...on every finger. And how could I possibly forget chains. I want you wearing so many chains that they weigh your body down. Don't go overboard, what I don't need is a slew of hunched over rappers. We'd be the laughing stock of the hip-hop community. Please note: You will get extra consideration should you have one or more medallions. At multiple times during this video, the camera will be on you, and you'll be required to hold it up at various times, for no apparent reason what-so-ever.

Now I just have to pen my rap. As I sit here with a pad of legal paper, surrounded by crumpled up paper balls, I'm finding this harder than I originally anticipated. I know I need to include the words "yeah" and "uh" about 60-75 times, while throwing in the occasional combination: "yeah, uh uh uh". That should get my point across well. I'm also aware that I have to inform people that I "know what I'm sayin'". I mean, even though I know, you may not know what I'm saying at all. Plus I was born in Chicago, but grew up in the suburbs. I think "on the streets of Mount Prospect" sounds compelling and believable. This information will no doubt be useful to you. I'm sure something I rap about will be humorous...to me...so I'll have to add in some "ha ha ha's". Since this is my first rap, I have no enemies in the hip-hop community, but it's just a matter of time, so I'll need to choose who I diss carefully. And as long as I remember to repeat my own name at least half a dozen times, all the rest will fall in to place.

Peace out, gangstas. Much luv to Big Poppa.

I Put Leftover Food In Plastic Containers...

Brace yourselves --> I found myself in a situation recently where I needed an item from the store. Yes I know, how compelling. HOWEVER, what makes this a "situation" is that it was past 10pm, and the Target was closed. (Bum, bum, bummmmm) Therefore, I found myself faced with the terrifying realization that my only other option was to drive over to Wal-Mart. I realize that I probably could've waited until the morning, but being a person of very little patience, ain't nobody got time for that. Not to mention the fact that I'm always up for making fun of people different than me, and I have no doubt this place is riddled with 'em. And please keep in mind, this is Wal-Mart I'm going to, it's not like I have to get all fancied up. Who do I have to impress? I know you've seen some of these people. In fact, I purposely picked out the shittiest thing I could find and threw it on, knowing full well that I'd still be the best dressed person there. Even as I pulled up and in to the lot, I spotted three people walking out in their pajamas. Pajamas. Yeah I know it's late and all, and it's Wal-Mart, but no one wants to see you in faded Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, which were obviously left in the dryer too long. Seriously, who wears this out...in public. Is everything else you own currently stuffed inside your washing machine? Have some self-respect, man. I should've turned my ass around, gone home, and rocked myself to sleep in a corner, but no...I'm here for a reason.

As soon as I walk in, the very first section is the produce. Unfortunately, I don't smell fruit, just menthol cigarette smoke. Lovely. Or maybe scientists finally found a way to combine hand fruit with Newports, and I just missed the memo. Regardless, it smells like shit. And while I'm thinking about it, why is this place so goddamn crowded? It's like a night club in here. It's 11pm, and a Thursday. Do any of you people work tomorrow? Or is that just a stupid question? Probably a stupid question. And it's not just the shoppers that frighten me, it's the employees. Why is it that a majority of these workers look like they own a 1970's van with blood stained carpeting? There was actually one point where I was convinced I recognized one of them from To Catch A Predator. Oh look, an overweight woman in the cookie aisle, and she's dragged her dozen kids along with her. First of all, why aren't these kids at home sleeping? I'll tell you why, because you've managed to stuff your cart with 3 different brands of "Chips Ahoy!", and 1 of the packages is open. This is why your kids aren't asleep, lady...and the reason I have to deal with them now. This might also explain why this place is such a friggin' mess. You have 65 people working, yet no one is cleaning. Please do something about this. Finally, the area I need, on the far end of this shithole. And just when I think things couldn't get any worse....they do NOT have what I need. Motherffff -- you know what? I'm outta here. But wait, I seem to be tempted by a bag of beef jerky before I hit the door. I'd love to pay for it, but I'm not sure which one of these freaks is the cashier, they appear to be dressed in pajamas too, but blue and khaki colored ones. Maybe this is a store requirement? Pajamas only. If so, I need to be removed, immediately. Do I go to register 8, where the 106 year old woman is holding things down? Actually, now that I start to study her with my head titled, it's possible she could be a corpse. I don't even think the couple in front of me buying diapers, milk and leggings even notice she hasn't blinked at all. Probably safe to bring it down to register 12, this girl with the gold chains and tear drop face tattoo seem to have it together. Should I be surprised that I don't get a "hello?" She could have at least axed me if I found everything ok. To which I would have held up my bag of Jack Links and replied, "What do you think?" Maybe it's best not to engage her in any type of conversation, just scan my teriyaki beef jerky and let me get the hell out of here. Just when I think I'm in the clear, I have one last barrier to pass...there's a guy who needs to check my bag (it has one thing in it), to make sure I don't have a 55 inch plasma stuffed inside of it. Totally understandable. But for real, please let me go home, so I can shower, and then come back here never.

FYI - Target opens at 8am. This kind of shit doesn't happen there.  

Peace out, homies.